The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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