That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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