Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
