There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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