turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
