I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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