Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
