Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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