yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
