rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
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Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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