Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
