I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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