she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
