Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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