My cat gives me a boner
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
