i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
