hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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