Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
