And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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