So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
