I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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