She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
