why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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