So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
