if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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