you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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