$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
