Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
