So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
