Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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