they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
