On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
