I skipped work to stalk him.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
