Can i not drive my cunt home
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
