Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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