I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
