grandma shit on top of the toilet
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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