You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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