I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
