I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Randomize
