It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
