I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
