Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
