His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize