You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
