You're completely useless in the revolution.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
