How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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