just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
why is half of my head shaved?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
