I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
