Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
