Porn is love you can see.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
