Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
