went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
